Founded by the late Daniel Rogov, welcoming foodies to discuss the dining scenes in Israel and abroad, along with all things related to kosher food.
User avatar
User

Daniel Rogov

Rank

Resident Curmudgeon

Posts

12957

Joined

Fri Jul 04, 2008 4:10 am

Location

Tel Aviv, Israel

Ideal Dining Habits: Entirely in Humor

by Daniel Rogov » Fri May 29, 2009 12:55 pm

Sent to me by one of my most faithful of correspondents who, from this communication has surely lost at least half of his mind. Lest anyone decide that I have become a menace to the public health and well being of society, let it be clearly noted that I am posting this entirely in humor and, as much as I may lean in some of the directions prescribed, I recommend them to no-one other than those with a clear suicidal bent.


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you!
User avatar
User

Bob Ross

Rank

Wine guru

Posts

5768

Joined

Sun Mar 26, 2006 11:39 pm

Location

Franklin Lakes, NJ

Re: Ideal Dining Habits: Entirely in Humor

by Bob Ross » Fri May 29, 2009 2:21 pm

Excellent, Daniel, thank you for a very bright spot in a pretty albeit rainy morning here in New Jersey.

I believe the origin of the sliding quote is from Hunter S. Thompson in Hell's Angels published in 1966: "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, shouting GERONIMO!"

It's been modified many times for various purposes, and your version is very funny. I'm going to send it off to some of my SB buddies -- might poke them up pretty good.

Thanks for a smile -- a real guffaw, rather. Best, Bob :lol:

PS: Remember, diets are only for people who are thick and tired of it. B.
no avatar
User

Shlomo R

Rank

Ultra geek

Posts

483

Joined

Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:49 am

Re: Ideal Dining Habits: Entirely in Humor

by Shlomo R » Tue Jun 02, 2009 1:40 am

I used to tell my wife that eating salami and other cold cuts loaded with preservatives was good for me because the preservatives would help me live forever. She finally got fed up with the joke one day and shot back "They're not going to help you live forever, but when you die your corpse won't rot." I stopped making the argument.
https://www.bike4chai.com/SolomonRosenzweig - cycling 175 miles to raise money for summer camp for kids with cancer - doing it again for the 5th time in 2016!
no avatar
User

Shel T

Rank

Durable Bon Vivant

Posts

2015

Joined

Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:56 pm

Location

20 miles from the nearest tsunami

Re: Ideal Dining Habits: Entirely in Humor

by Shel T » Tue Jun 02, 2009 5:14 pm

Shlomo R wrote:I used to tell my wife that eating salami and other cold cuts loaded with preservatives was good for me because the preservatives would help me live forever. She finally got fed up with the joke one day and shot back "They're not going to help you live forever, but when you die your corpse won't rot." I stopped making the argument.

Eureka--the secret of Ancient Egyptian embalming!
Nullum gratuitum prandium

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests

Powered by phpBB ® | phpBB3 Style by KomiDesign