Kitchen disasters?

Has anyone got any kitchen disasters they would like to share?

Here's mine - fresh from the oven - to start y'all off:

Gail is having an open house tomorrow for her Avon business, and I offered to make chocolate chip cookies instead of her buying store-bought ones. Simple, right? Well, apparently not!

First mistake - I used the recipe off the back of the Ghiradelli semi-sweet morsels, instead of using the ol' reliable Tollhouse recipe.

Second mistake - in a token attempt at making the cookies ever so slightly healthier, I used a butter/margarine blend, which I - third mistake - apparently left out to soften too much. When I mixed the mess up, I was a little concerned that it was loose and almost runny, like a batch of overly thick pancake batter, but since the directions said to "drop by teaspoonfuls" on the ungreased cookie sheets, that it was supposed to be that way.

Well, it spread out like the aforementioned pancake batter, and will have to be chiseled off one sheet, and the cookies begrudgingly turned loose of the other two sheets (the non-stick ones), but were such a disaster that there is no way that I want anybody outside this family to see them, much less know that I was responsible.

Gail's friend has already been asked to pick up cookies on her way into Tulsa tomorrow morning.

I learned to cook and to bake when just a boy of 11 or 12, taught well by my Grandma. When I was 16, I made a from-scratch German Chocolate cake for my Mom's birthday, and it turned out very well. And I have made thousands of cookies of many sorts over the past 4 decades, but I don't think I EVER had results quite like this.

Ok, I must have had a brain-fart, as I used 1 pound of butter instead of 1 cup. At least the flavor is decent, but they still look like crispy pancakes!

Well, disasters are kind of relative, and some of them are recoverable. Like the time I cooked two luscious chickens on the Weber in the back yard, and somehow let them both slip on the platter, dropping them in the driveway on the way into the house. Nobody was around, and, um...

I have had various disasters associated with lobster bisque. Before I had the Cuisinart, many years ago, we had a Whizzy-Art or some Brand X machine. I was trying to extract all the goodness out of the lobster shells (I am sure inspired by Julia Child) and cooked the motor on the darn thing. End of story for that machine but a good excuse to buy the Cuisinart which is still fine after a couple of decades. On another occasion I added the cognac to the cooking bisque and delayed a moment before finding a match. The result was a ball of flame which more or less engulfed the microwave which is mounted over the stove. It could have been bad but it was over in a moment and no harm was done.

Probably the worst experience was making Tibetan Barley Bread from the Tassajara Bread Book, this is a LONG time back, in the 1970's when I was in grad school. I think there was some mystical faith that there would be local yeast which would find your batter. I don't think that happened, and what I wound up with was basically a flat brown board, slightly harder than it would have been if it had been an actual piece of wood. I wasn't sure what texture Tibetan Barley Bread was supposed to have so I attempted valiantly to slice this stuff with a sharp serrated knife. Power tools would have been a better idea, but I didn't own any when I was a grad student. I ended up cutting a deep slice in my finger, and throwing the putative bread in the garbage.

F

The one that always comes to mind for me is when my family was all together at my parents' house about twenty years ago and my brother decided to make blackened redfish. He coated the fish with the requisite spice mix, heated a cast iron skillet until a fine coat of ash covered it, tossed in the fish, promptly overwhelmed the oven hood with smoke, and filled the house with what is literally tear gas. The rest of us had to get out and stand in the front yard watching smoke pour out of the opened doors. He gamely stayed in the kitchen until all of the fish was cooked and the house was aired out.

The stuff was actually pretty good, too.

I once tried making chicken wings, using one of those pasta cookers as a deep fryer. I got the oil up to the right temperature, put the frozen wings in the basket and slowly lowered it into the oil, which immediately boiled over and onto stove top, bursting into flames 4 feet high. I did manage to remove the pan to the sink and smother the flames before there was any damage. Now I go out for wings.

I'll share one in the spirit of Thanksgiving.

It was the first year the in-laws were coming for the Holiday. I insisted on doing everything myself - I wanted my wife to be able to visit with her family, and besides, I could handle it. I got up early, prepared the bird, did all my prep work.....

Everything was going along swimmingly, until I attempted to remove the turkey from the oven. I'd used one of those aluminum roasting pans, and it wasn't sturdy enough. A large quantity of turkey grease spewed onto the floor. I attempted to cover my screw up by wiping up the mess with some dish towels. It looked good, but it was a skating rink. The rest of the day, whenever anyone went into the kitchen, they were sliding all over the place.

I'll share one in the spirit of Thanksgiving.

It was the first year the in-laws were coming for the Holiday. I insisted on doing everything myself - I wanted my wife to be able to visit with her family, and besides, I could handle it. I got up early, prepared the bird, did all my prep work.....

Everything was going along swimmingly, until I attempted to remove the turkey from the oven. I'd used one of those aluminum roasting pans, and it wasn't sturdy enough. A large quantity of turkey grease spewed onto the floor. I attempted to cover my screw up by wiping up the mess with some dish towels. It looked good, but it was a skating rink. The rest of the day, whenever anyone went into the kitchen, they were sliding all over the place.

Reminds me of this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0y59XyQqI4

Frank

The time I had four guests coming for dinner under the promise that I would serve a mushroom risotto, along with veal osso buco.

As I prepared to get the cooking started, I discovered that someone (me) had forgotten to buy the rice. I had two hours before the dinner, which would be no problem if I did not have to drive 35 miles to the nearest store for Arborio.

I sped to the shop while the veal braised, all the while swerving my head in wide sweeps among all the mirrors, keeping my eyes open for the ticket agents who like to sit among thickets on Route 17. Made it to and from without raising one of their radar screens.

I got back home with about 40 minutes to go before dinner. In the process, I discovered a way to hurry up risotto cooking time.

When everyone showed up, I made believe that nothing had gone wrong, and when we ate, they made believe that the risotto was fine.

[Jenise]

Ok, I must have had a brain-fart, as I used 1 pound of butter instead of 1 cup. At least the flavor is decent, but they still look like crispy pancakes!

Ah, glad you figured out the problem. I was going to say that I used that recipe myself just a few weeks ago and my cookies were good!

There was a good one on an Aussie forum (Winestar?) a while back. Basically a good chunk of the kitchen went up & a major redecoration was needed. Impressive photos.

Personally, plenty of small scale mistakes, bad timings, etc. but probably nothing that sticks out since my teens. My favourite mistake was some scones in 'Home economics' (i.e. cooking ) aged 14. My mother used to bag up the ingredients individually, but putting in much more than the recipe dictated (I guess in case of accidents). I reached for one of the bags thinking it was sugar, but unknown to me, it was salt (somewhat more than 'a pinch'). The good news for me was the teacher used to mark based on appearance (not taste), so I got a high mark. The bad news for my sister, was she was hungry waiting for the bus home, so I offered her one of the scones. I gather it wasn't too pleasant

regards

Ian

That's funny Robert, thanks for sharing. I left the flour out of some peanut butter cookies one time when I was a kid and my family hasn't let me live that down yet. (That was awfully nice of you to offer to make cookies for your wife's event. Brownie points for that, despite the outcome. )

My cooking disasters seem to carry a common theme now. The ingredients end up on the ceiling.

Example #1
The most memorable was as a young newlywed pureeing a prune (aka: dried plum) sauce in the blender to accompany a pork roast. There were some stubborn prunes that refused to get to the bottom of the blender so I helped them with a metal spoon. Next thing I knew I was blind and the spoon was no longer in my hand. Pureed prune concoction was covering both eyes. When I washed it away, I found that a large part of the ceiling was covered with it as well. I found the spoon much later on the other side of the kitchen under the breakfast nook.

Example #2
I believe I mentioned this incident in an earlier thread on pressure cookers. Not knowing much about using a pressure cooker (they always scared me when my mom used them) I packed it full with two corned beef briskets for a St. Patty's Day dinner I was throwing for some friends. Next thing I knew I heard a very loud "Bang." My new husband and I went running into the kitchen to find the de-lidded pressure cooker, one brisket still in it, one flopped unappetizingly onto the stove top and shreds of corned beef all over the ceiling.

Calling Julia B!!!!! Where's your story????

My most recent ex-husband decided to use the gas grill to make bacon for a brunch we were throwing one Sunday morning, thinking it would be much faster. Wouldn't have been too bad.... if.... the bacon hadn't been extra fatty, he hadn't put the entire 2 pounds on at once, the grill hadn't been on high, and the grill didn't sit under the covered back porch.

Perhaps not technically a "kitchen" disaster, but the net result was certainly a catastrophe.

(And embarrassing since we were both members of the local volunteer fire department. The slogan is *supposed* to be... YOU light 'em, WE fight 'em.)

My most recent ex-husband

Sounds either like you plan such things or you revel in them

No, I just simply didn't want the wrong one to get the "credit" for this particular incident.

A domestic explosion with impressive effect befell not my kitchen, but friends', years ago. (No one, fortunately, was hurt but there was property damage.)

They did (and do) rely on a pressure cooker, partly from necessity as they've lived part of their lives at high altitude. On the fateful evening, a country stew with large chunks of vegetables and meat simmered happily under pressure while entertaining occurred in another room. Those of you who've used classic pressure cookers know the tst-tst-tst sound of a weighted head bouncing around on the narrow steam outlet, regulating pressure. Tst-tst-tst, all's well.

At some point, a piece of food blocked the steam outlet. No more tst-tst-tst, but no one in earshot. Pressure mounted to unimaginable levels. What began as comfort food became a recipe for trouble.

When it finally let go, this happened through an emergency pressure-relief plug built into the lid, for this purpose. Spectacularly, most of the pot's contents -- large pieces of meat, carrots, etc. -- came out through the relief orifice maybe a quarter-inch or one cm across, under the cataclysmic pressure. A jet of presumably well cooked puree went straight to the ceiling, which required repainting. (They said at least it smelled good.)

Not really a disaster - just stupid: I was making some pancake batter using Bisquick. I followed the directions on the box but the pancakes tasted lousy. I threw away the batter and re-read the directions wondering what I had done wrong to this simple recipe: Well I had used regular flour, not Bisquick - and with the box right in front of me!
I made the batter a second time and guess what? - I DID IT AGAIN!
The third time was the charm.

Many years back (probably 15 or so) a friend of mine and I brewed some beer (read: drank a lot) and decided to make some chicken-fried venison backstrap after brewing.

Man it was tasty! We sat at the table and chowed down while consuming several more brews. We were feeling fine.

Did I mention that we were at my Mom's house while she was away for the summer? I don't think that I did.

After the feast I decided to clean up the mess. The grease in the pan had solidified so I turned the burner on high to melt it. At this point my friend gets up from the table and asks if I want to step outside and smoke this little "cigarette" he just rolled. Well, duh? Of course I want to.

About 3/4 of the way through this "cigarette" my friend coughs and says, "Dude, are you cooking something?"

"Nah, we just ate, man."

"But I smell something."

"Oh, f**k!"

I look up and see smoke pouring out of the kitchen door. I run inside and see flames engulfing the cabinets. I grab the cast iron skillet, still afire, get it outside, and toss a towel over it.

Luckily the flames did not catch the wood. But there was a good deal of smoke damage.

It took a while but I don't smoke anymore...at all.

rwj

Great story, Cowboy! I can just imagine the terror you felt about your Mom finding out how her boy almost burned her house down!

Just don't tell JB about burning down houses

Just don't tell JB about burning down houses

THAT is the story I am waiting to read!!!!

And it just so happens that I had another near-disaster today in the kitchen at work.

I was boiling about 6 pounds of pasta. When it came time to drain the pasta I moved the pot of boiling water over to the sink and began to pour the pasta into the colander. Much of the boiling water ran down the side of the pot, onto the counter, and, subsequently, down the front of my pants. LOTS of water ran down the front of my pants; lots of boiling water.

And in the spirit of Chef Gordon Ramsay I was "going commando" today. OUCH!

rwj

Yikes, Cowboy! (Although that story verges on TMI! )

...Much of the boiling water ran down the side of the pot, onto the counter, and, subsequently, down the front of my pants. LOTS of water ran down the front of my pants; lots of boiling water.

Whoa!

10-12 years ago I and some friends took a sauce class from a local chef, a respected saucier by specialty. (Chef Andrew Trice III, now practicing in Savannah, Georgia.) A few times while showing principles, he dipped a finger into a pot of syrupy boiling sauce -- a reduction or whatever -- to get a sample to taste. I asked about that, recalling just about the first warning I heard as a child about cooking, which was be careful around pots of boiling liquid. Oh, it's no problem, the chef said. After a few times, the finger loses sensation, so you can get boiling syrups on it without discomfort.

That should reassure you, Robert, because I guess it works for other body parts too.