Fried rice in a box

[Jenise]

The other day at the market, I took a corner too tight and clipped a display of Rice-A-Roni. I use exactly zero of this kind of packaged product and pay no attention to what's available, but I had to stop and fix the little avalanche I caused and so I ended up holding a box of Fried Rice flavor Rice-A-Roni. Fried rice? IN A BOX? Disbelief turned into curiosity--after all, fried rice is a method, not a singular flavor--and I bought it.

This morning I made it--yes, this morning. Remember, I was only making this out of curiosity, I wasn't expecting it to be good enough to serve at a meal.

And how was it? Well, you just have to laugh. Loaded with overly salty, industrial fake-chicken flavor, what supposedly makes this Asian that probably wouldn't be in a box called just Chicken Flavor, is little bits of dehydrated celery and almond slivers. That's it! And when was the last time you had fried rice in a Chinese restaurant that had nuts in it?

Horrible stuff: bad flavors, bad recipe (way too much water for the rice, I cut it back), and even a generally low quality of rice itself that, cooked, has poor flavor and texture of its own.

How in the world has this brand thrived for all these years--the mind boggles.

Things like that exist because of people like my neighbors.

On one side live a family who eat - and I am not exaggerating here, the mother told me this herself - boxed taco kit dinners 5 nights out of 7. She makes Rice-A-Roni to go with it. (I was afraid to ask what they do the other 2 nights... I suspect Dairy Queen or take out pizza. )

Another neighbor eats a lot of boxed mac & cheese, and dehydrated potato dishes. He said, "But there are a LOT of flavors to pick from! Just last night I had Au Gratin!"

Someone else we know came over for dinner and said "Wow, I don't know what to do with most of the things in your pantry! Good thing my husband likes canned chili."

Big surprise: Linda loves it. On her side of the pantry, there's Rice-A-Roni, five different kinds of snack bars, cans of Juanita's Chile Colorado, Stovetop Stuffing, Frosted Flakes, Cap'n Crunch, Fruit Loops, Honey Smacks, "Corn" Pops, Honey Nut Cheerios...

But don't get the wrong idea, she eats a balanced diet. In the freezer, you'll find all three food groups: Stouffer's, Banquet, and Breyer's.

[Jenise]

On one side live a family who eat - and I am not exaggerating here, the mother told me this herself - boxed taco kit dinners 5 nights out of 7. She makes Rice-A-Roni to go with it. (I was afraid to ask what they do the other 2 nights... I suspect Dairy Queen or take out pizza. )

If your neighbors are like the couple of people I have known who eat like this, then they are also more likely than anyone else you know to complain that they can't afford to improve the way they eat. Or at least, my sister is that kind of cook and this is her excuse. She shuts her eyes and starts shaking her head when you then point out how much less it would cost her to make tacos without the kit. So strange, she was raised on better food than that just like I was. But I think the key is she just loves opening packages and strange little containers. Has since she was a child. She would move her food into them. She would squirt anything from a squeeze bottle onto her food. And when condiments started coming in little packets she obsessively collected them. Kit foods are just an extension of that.

Stuart, Linda should have married my sister. Does she ever eat any of the food you make?

She'll eat a pizza if I don't use any basil or anything else green. And she likes my onion soup. Other than that... nope, she doesn't eat anything I make.

Yes, she loves kits. And obsessively collects little condiment packages- when she wasn't looking I threw out over two hundred packets of McDonalds strawberry jelly packet.

But I think the key is she just loves opening packages and strange little containers.

Oh my.

Maybe what needs to happen there is that all food is prepped ahead of time and stored in little boxes, bags, and containers. But maybe it's not as much fun if one fills the containers oneself. Hmm.


Stuart, I guess this is proof once and for all that opposites attract!

She is very offended that anyone would criticize the San Francisco Treat.

I'm still trying to figure out how anyone from this food-savvy city could have invented this stuff. (note to Bob Ross: I actually do know the history here, so I'll spare you the effort of looking it up for me and documenting it in your usual meticulous way)

[Jenise]

Yes, she loves kits. And obsessively collects little condiment packages- when she wasn't looking I threw out over two hundred packets of McDonalds strawberry jelly packet.

And she's a junk food packrat! I didn't think there was another person in the world like my sister. Does Linda have a thing for fast food cokes, too? Donna has preferred cola to water since she was old enough to talk, and she loves those wax cups and straws. Any portion of a drink that survives the trip home goes in the fridge, and sometimes she buys extras.

If by "a thing," you mean "nine to twelve of the Hugo-sized bladder-busters of Diet Coke every day," then yes, she has "a thing."

This is spooky- does your sister have red hair?

Funny, sad and true. I'm sure we all have similar experiences with people who do not share out interest in food. My most recent one was over the bed of spinach in my garden when I offered a neighbor some greens - his comment was that he didn't know that spinach came any way other than in a plastic bag. He has studiously avoided me since I gave him a bowl of
mixed salad greens.

[Jenise]

If by "a thing," you mean "nine to twelve of the Hugo-sized bladder-busters of Diet Coke every day," then yes, she has "a thing."

When Donna was a kid, she'd spend her own allowance on cola since she required more than my mother would buy. At age 8 she could discourse on the merits of Royal Crown vs. Pepsi vs. Coca Cola vs. store brands the way you do on Rhone wines. This IS spooky.

does your sister have red hair?

No, blonde. But I've seen Linda's picture and Donna and she look more alike than Donna and I do. Based on that alone, it's entirely possible that we're not actually related.

I don't know anyone who actually saw her get born....

I have been known to make use of some - SOME, mind you, not most! - boxed pseudo-food mixes, but usually as the starting point to another one-pot meal concoction. Add the right ingredients, and even rice-a-roni can work as a fast, got-home-late-and-don't-feel-like-cooking meal option.

Take Zataran's Jambalaya mix - brown a pound of diced venison sausage (hot works best, courtesy of Gail's coworker who likes to hunt 'em but rarely eats 'em) and diced onion, add a standard can of diced tomatoes, a cup of whatever red wine is open, simmer until rice is done, stir in some shredded cheddar, and meal time, baby! The boys love it, of course.

Since we've been doing Weight Watchers, those kinds of meals have become rare, though.

I must correct the record:

Linda informed me that the only reason she has Rice A Roni in her pantry is because she tasted a sample at Safeway, loved it, and bought some. She never actually cooked it. The foul waste-disposal-site aromas I get when she has something like that actually emanate from Lipton Rice and Sauce or Uncle Ben's Ready Rice. These apparently are much simpler to cook than Rice A Roni, just heat'n'eat from a pouch, thus her inertia in using the Rice A Roni.

My apologies to Rice A Roni; the chemical factory smells I experienced were not from them, they have an alibi.

How in the world has this brand thrived for all these years--the mind boggles.

It's called poverty! I have not always earned the income to study at cooking schools in France and Italy. At 14 years old, when I cooked my first sophisticated family meal (duck a l'orange -- at which I failed miserably), I saved for months to be able to afford all the ingredients to surprise my family. (At that time the total meal couldn't have cost more than $10.) I remember my Rice-a-Roni days all too well. Following is a recipe I used to take to potlucks when I wanted to impress. Once in awhile, I still make it to remember those days (funny how our taste buds can take us back) and my best friend, who gave me the recipe (still in her handwriting -- deceased 15 years ago).

Rice-A-Roni Artichoke Salad
1 pkg chicken Rice-A-Roni
1 jar marinated artichoke hearts (reserve liquid)
12 pimiento-stuffed green olives, sliced
1-4 oz can sliced mushrooms, drained
1 can sliced water chestnuts, drained and halved
1/2 green pepper, diced
5-6 scallions, sliced
1/3 C mayonnaise
1 Tbsp curry powder
1/2 C golden raisins (my addition)

Make Rice-A-Roni according to package directions, cool. While cooling, slice artichoke hearts and other veggies. Combine liquid from artichokes with mayonnaise and curry powder. When rice is cooled, combine with other ingredienets and mix well. Shrimp, chicken or ham may be added for a meal. Chill before serving.
Thanks for the memories.

Big surprise: Linda loves it. On her side of the pantry, there's Rice-A-Roni, five different kinds of snack bars, cans of Juanita's Chile Colorado, Stovetop Stuffing, Frosted Flakes, Cap'n Crunch, Fruit Loops, Honey Smacks, "Corn" Pops, Honey Nut Cheerios...

But don't get the wrong idea, she eats a balanced diet. In the freezer, you'll find all three food groups: Stouffer's, Banquet, and Breyer's.

This post is the cure for an appetite brought on by the "sandwich" thread.